Adoption Disruption

How are things going with the kids?  Where are the kids?  We've been transparent through this whole journey.  This post will be no different.  It is really hard to understand how this has all happened to us.  I'm sure at some point, we'll be able to reflect back on somethings we would have done differently in hindsight.

The kids came to Wyoming, lived in our home with us, however - we made the decision to have the adoption "disrupted."  The kids should have never been placed in a home with kids their own age - ever.  To protect their privacy, I will refer to them as Kellan and Eleanor, which was what we had we had planned to legally change their names to after the adoption was final.  Unfortunately, it was entirely unsafe for them to be living in our home with our three children due to their trauma history.  Both kids were extremely aggressive, but had never been to therapy to address their attachment issues.  We consulted the best therapists and other trusted professionals before we made our decision.

Adoption disruption describes an adoption process that ends after a child is placed in an adoptive home and before the adoption is legally finalized, resulting in the child's return to foster care or another adoptive home.

This was absolutely the most difficult decision we have made as parents thus far.  We are at peace with our decision, but we obviously still care very much for the kids.  Chuck and I knew that we couldn't live with alarms on all the bedrooms.  Our kids were going to school in tears, our youngest was hiding beside our bed eating his meals alone, and everyone in our home was terrified.  Kellan and Eleanor needed more help than we could give them with three other young children.  We wanted and needed to protect the precious three children God had entrusted us with already.

Unfortunately, there were many things about Kellan and Eleanor that were not disclosed to us (and believe me we asked!).  Our family spent a week with them in their home state prior to placement, which went really well.  The psychology behind it is quite complicated, but it has been explained to us that during that visit we were simply strangers.  However, the move to Wyoming and integrating into our family was different.  Unfortunately, Kellan and Eleanor's previous families hurt them, so being in our home with us as family triggered huge trauma for them (reminded them of their past experiences with families). 

Kellan and Eleanor have returned to their home state.  Their family recruiter is now trying to find them a family where they can be the only children in the home.  The foster family they lived with for 2.5 years had 8-10 children in the home (prior to that they lived in a crisis shelter).  I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this foster family was to the kids.  And yes, we did file an abuse report.  Someone else did too in December, according to his school files that I got after they were in our custody.  If the only thing that comes of our hurt is that the kids are out of that home, thank God.

We feel hurt and betrayed by their home state.  The information they provided was not even remotely accurate.  The kids live in a large city where the system is flooded with more kids than foster parents.  Our hearts hurt for the kids.  Please keep them in your prayers. 

We've always felt called to adopt and truly don't feel like our family is complete.  There are so many waiting children.  We tried (and tried, and then tried again) to bring a child into our home that needed a family, but sometimes our plans are not God's.  This one is hard for me to understand.  Someday, I will.  We've learned a lot about trusting Him through this process.  Chuck and I are so blessed - our three kids are amazing.  It has been hard to watch them go through this with us, but they have each grown in big ways. 

Our family still believes in foster care.  It is an amazing way to serve children and families in your community.  The biggest blessing in our lives this past year has been to see Princess Elsa back with her mommy - the two of them happy and thriving.  We still get to see Elsa as the both of our families schedules allow.  She is one special little girl. 

Thank you, friends, for loving us through this journey ❤ 

Burgess ~ Party of Seven

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We're excited to share that our family is growing by two!  Katie and I are leaving bright and early tomorrow to bring home our kiddos.  Our family was matched with siblings a few months ago through out of state foster care adoption. 

This joyous moment in our lives -- is going to take a village!  We ask for your prayers during this transition...

• Pray for our new children's healing and comfort.  He is in first grade and is 7 years old.  She is 4 years old. We've nicknamed them Happy Feet and Sassypants.  He loves to dance and she's sweet and a little sassy :)  This month marks THREE years that they have been in foster care.  They are African American and were born in the United States (only sharing this factoid because we had previously tried to adopt from two African countries).  Please understand that their story is their story - and our family will ALWAYS protect their privacy.   
• Pray for Adeline, Christian, and Paxton - this is huge change for them! 
• Pray for our marriage -- we've got a strong one, so I know we can do this.  Definitely lots of changes for us this Spring though.  Chuck made a career change a few weeks ago too.      
• Pray for Princess Elsa and her family.  After over a year in our home, she is transitioning full-time to her mommy today.  Her mommy has worked so hard and our family is so happy for them.  They are doing wonderful!  Elsa and Mommy will forever be a part of our family -- and we hope to be a part of theirs.
• Pray for the funding for our final adoption fees.  Local foster care adoption is 100% FREE, but foster care adoption across state lines ... is NOT, unfortunately.  This is because we had to hire an agency for all the paperwork that is required (see adoption costs).  Thankfully, PJ/ Bighorn Design, Sara, and Jessie has stepped to help us with a t-shirt fundraiser --- more on that next week!

Abbey has started a meal train that she will be sharing soon.  We are good on "stuff" for now.  Thank you to our Meadowlark family of teachers for loving on our kids so well as always.

Worth It

Anything worth doing is hard.  Like, real hard.  There are always blessings in the journey, however.

We completed our first homestudy in 2013, since then we have updated it two times.  We are coming up on our THIRD update to our homestudy this next month.  Over the past 3+ years, we have been tested for HIV, STDs, tuberculosis, and drugs.  We have been finger printed and screened.  Filled out mountains of paperwork.  All of this, not once, but multiple times.  Chuck and I have also completed many hours of training.  Part of our lives has been essentially on hold… prayerfully waiting.  First, there was our failed adoption in Uganda.  And, now Ghana has essentially stopped processing international adoptions.  It has been emotionally and financially draining. 

Based on advice from our agency, we made the difficult decision this week to not update our homestudy for international adoption from Ghana.  Our family will remain in the Ghana program, but our agency simply does not expect to have any referrals of children aged 0-8 years old in the foreseeable future.  We submitted our dossier in March 2015 and the last referral was May 2015.  We believe that God is in charge of the details and that He will continue to show Himself to us through this journey.

Our prayer still remains that someday we will be able to adopt a child that needs a family, but for now we feel like we have done everything we can do in regards to international adoption.  We plan to continue fostering children from within our community and explore foster care adoption in states where there are waiting children.  Over the past year, we have had four children in our home through foster care.  A four year old girl for one day.  A four year old boy for four months.  We currently have a three year old girl who has been with us for three months, plus a nine year old girl who is with us only for a few weeks.  Loving these children has been one of the biggest blessings in our adoption journey.  Something we almost missed out on because it seemed "too scary.”

The first thing many people ask when they find out we do foster care is, “isn’t it hard to let them go?”  Yes, yes… it really is.  However, Jason Johnson said it perfectly…

"Yet, as we weigh in balance what we stand to lose against what they stand to gain, the answer is simple - not always easy to do - but simple to see as worth it in the end. We can't let the fear of loving a child who might leave deter us; we must let the fear of a child never knowing love drive us."

Please join us in praying for children that are waiting for their forever family.  Blessings, Nicki

Adoption Update

It's been a long time since I last posted.  Unfortunately, there has not been much movement in our international adoption.  Our dossier was submitted to Ghana in March 2015.  The most recent referral in the Bethany Ghana Program was shortly after that.  We have not given up hope and will continue prayerfully waiting.  I'm not going to lie - the wait is so hard :(  However, we keep telling ourselves - God always has perfect timing!

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We were blessed to have two children stay with us through foster care in the past 6 months.  A four year old girl for just 24 hours.  Then, a four year old boy for 4 months (he is 9 days younger than our youngest!).  We learned a lot about parenting a child who has been through trauma and also about ourselves.  Undoubtedly, there is still more to learn.  I've come away from this experience knowing in my heart... this is one of my life's true callings.  Yes, it is hard.  There are things I would do different, better next time.  But, loving a child through a very difficult time in their lives is one of the most fulfilling experiences I have ever had in my life.  Growing as a family in our faith.  Seeing our children make sacrifices to make someone else feel comfortable.  Making a difference.  Our daughter prays all the time that a child who needs a family will soon become a permanent part of ours. 
A sweet friend who recently adopted a child told me yesterday that God works in amazing ways when it comes to adoption.  She assured me that God will bring us through this in a way we'd never dream of.  So, today... I am clinging to this truth and His promises.
Blessings, Nicki

Because He Listens

Graphic design by  Glory Designs

Today is our 11th wedding anniversary.  I can't believe how fast it has gone - 13 years together, 11 years married, and 3 amazing kids.  We've had some stressful times (um, hello... adoption!), but I can honestly say that we are very happily married.  Looking forward to many, many more anniversaries together!

Not much new going on with our adoption journey, so this is sort of an update without really update!  We just found out we have to update our homestudy for the THIRD time due to the fact that our I-600A approval from USCIS is about to expire.  Updating our homestudy is very time consuming and a little discouraging, but we are hopeful that this could be the last time we have to do this.  Currently, we are 1 of 9 families with dossiers submitted in the Bethany Ghana program who are waiting to be matched with a child.  Only one other family other than ours that is open to an older child.  We were told it would be approximately 12-24 months after dossier submission for our family to be matched with a child.  We submitted our dossier in March 2015, so we have not even been waiting for 12 months yet.  With our failed adoption, feels like it has been forever!  I try not to let myself think it could be sooner, because in reality it could also be so much longer.  I have really enjoyed meeting a few new adoptive families in Bethany's Ghana program.  The little girl featured in this article just came home last week.  Her sweet mama has been a huge encouragement to me. 

This past week, we started working on our spare bedroom to get it ready for a little person to join our family!  Along with international adoption, our family is also in process of completing the last steps of being able to foster a child from our community if needed.  We started this process almost a year ago and are now far enough along that we could bring a child into our home.  Hoping to finish up the last few trainings this fall.

Please be praying for all the kiddos worldwide who are waiting for their forever families.  Blessings to you and your family. 

Adoption Announcement: Ghana

We are excited to share that we have decided to further pursue international adoption.  We have changed placing agencies and countries. While it wasn't a difficult choice AT ALL to change placing agencies, it was a very difficult decision to change countries.  To read about our experience with our prior agency, click here.  Uganda is an amazing country with beautiful people!  However, the corruption in international adoption with many cases is rampant there.  I do know of a few cases that are ethical, but they are definitely not the norm.

We have a great relationship with our caseworker from our homestudy agency (Bethany Christian Services).  We had kept in touch with her after our adoption fell apart last summer.  When Bethany opened up a few spots in their Ghana program, she invited us to an information call.  Chuck and I took some time to pray about the decision and felt that the program was a good fit for us.  There are only approximately 20 families in this program.

Our dossier was officially received in Ghana on March 4, 2015 (see timeline).  Our family has requested to be matched with a child aged approximately 2-6 years old at time of referral.  We have been told that the expected wait time is 12-24 months for referral.  After referral, we would travel within 1-3 months.  The child *could* be home within 6 months after referral.  These are all just estimates we have been given.  However, we have learned first hand that international adoption is very unpredictable.  We are just praying for God's perfect timing.

Bethany is the only U.S. adoption agency accredited by the government of Ghana to complete international adoptions.  They have had an an office in the city of Accra since 2011. In 2013, the government placed a moratorium on international adoptions in an effort to centralize and strengthen their social service system.  Despite the moratorium, Bethany has been able to place children with families by seeking waivers to the moratorium. The government is open to providing waivers under certain circumstances—for older children and those with special placement needs.

The waiver must be secured by Bethany from the Government prior to referral given to a family, so this provides a level of comfort for us that the child matched with our family will truly need to be adopted.  The process will be slow, but we feel confident that things will be done ethically and that is very important to us.

To see where we are with adoption funds, please view our details provided in Adoption Expenses.  We appreciate your prayers as we continue our adoption journey!  

And More Truth...

I've already gotten a few emails and responses from people regarding "The Truth" and I want to clarify a few things.  Every adoption journey has a different story.  I encourage people to NOT judge anyone's adoption journey - it is very personal.  Furthermore, I am in no way saying that every adoption has corruption in it.  There are SO MANY kids out there that need a family, which makes our experience that much more frustrating.  

Why did you share your story?  A few reasons.  First of all, we did NOT share it to discourage anyone from adopting internationally.  We are still very much considering trying again.  We had someone tell us that adoption isn't easy and God made it that way for a reason.  He will stretch you to see if this is really what he calling you to do.  We believe that.

We are sharing our story because so many people partnered with us and we have chosen to be open in all aspects of this journey - the good, bad & ugly.  We also don't want other prospective adoptive parents to experience what we did (see below for what we would have done differently). 

Is there a need for international adoption?  There are kids of all ages who need families all over the world.  We feel strongly that adoptive families are not "rescuing" the children to give them a "better" life.  If a child can stay with their parents or biological relatives with some training and support, then that is what should happen!  International adoption should be the last resort.

What cases should a child be adopted internationally?

-  Unfortunately, parents get sick and often times die. 

-  Sadly, some parents chose not to raise their children.  They don't want to put in the effort to provide love, shelter, and food.  Despite being offered parenting training and financial assistance, they just don't want to parent for one reason or another.  In some cultures, when parents get divorced it is the man's right to take his children.  Then, he gets remarried and his new wife rejects his children from his first marriage.  Those kids are then forced out of the home. 

-  There are also kids who are born with special needs.  For instance, I recently connected with a woman who is adopting a deaf child.  This little girl is amazingly beautiful, but rejected by her own parents.  They see her deafness as a curse.  Her father abused her to the point that her mother took her to an orphanage and begged them to take her because she feared that her husband would kill their daughter.  They abandoned her when she was 2 years old.  Now at age 7, she has a family who is eagerly waiting to bring her home (please pray for them!).  Furthermore, there are children who have diseases that are a death sentence if they remain in their country.  However, if they come to America, receive the right treatment, they will live a full life.  Another example of a "special need," is a sibling group.  Relatives sometimes cannot take in 3-6 kids, but the kids all want to stay together.  So, the kids go into an orphanage or live on the street.

-  Extended family and people in their own country should be given a chance to take the kids in FIRST.  If all else fails, they deserve a family that will LOVE and CARE for them - that is where international adoption comes in.

What would we have done different?

Unfortunately, we just worked with the wrong people. 

If we start all over again...

-  We will chose a placing agency that had experience in the country we were adopting from.  We thought that it was enough that the agency had experience in other international countries, but it wasn't.  At least not for us.  We considered using a large agency, but worried we wouldn't receive personalized attention.  We have been extremely happy with the "large" agency that did our homestudy.

-  We wish we would have done third party orphan investigation right away.  A Child's Voice in Uganda is amazing.  It is possible to do this without even asking your agency.  BUT, do you want to work with an agency that wouldn't allow you to advocate on your own behalf?

-  We would do research on the in-country coordinators.  We would get recent references for the attorney the agency uses, plus the orphanage.

-  There are discussion groups on Facebook that I would recommend anyone considering adopting from Uganda join.  I did not know about them until the end of June.  The groups are called Truth in UG and Uganda Adoption.  The people in these groups provide tons of valuable info, but it is important to note that you have to sort out the info and decide for yourself.  What is right for them, might not be right for you. 

What is going to happen to the agency & orphanage? 

This question will be answered when we can.  We don't want to compromise the ongoing investigation.

What are we grateful for that came out of this process?

-  All of the people who have come along side us!  We are so blessed.

-  Our family has grown in our faith.  We feel called to serve orphans.  Maybe God is calling us to adopt a different child?  One who is has been over looked because of their age or a special need?  Maybe He is calling us to partner with an organization that helps families stay together?  Help provide education to those living in poverty? 

-  I'd like to think that because of what happened it may have prevented Nora from going into the orphanage.  Her family thought that she was going to be sponsored by us for school.  They were deceived into signing papers that they didn't understand.  What if we would have taken her from her family that wanted her?  I'm glad that now they know what could have happened and hopefully they can continue successfully caring for her..

In closing, there are very complicated emotions with this whole process.  We're getting through it the best we can and appreciate your support.  Things happen in life that we wish we didn't have to experience.  One thing is for certain - God is good all the time.  We take comfort in knowing that He is in charge of all the details of our lives.